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Determination!!!!! have to get back my very first determination!!! all i need to believe is that i can do it... believe in myself... jiayou!! just throw back on my previous years' pictures... omg... im so glad and thankful for what i've been through, for what i've tried and for what who i am now... really appreciate a lot... Determination!!!!

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seriously, im really very stress right now.... im so afraid of the way tat they ask questions... im so scare tat i do wrongly in my part... im so scare.. im just so scare.. i do not have extra time to do at all.. i do not have extra time to do preparation.. yet i still have pending test coming soon... omg... wat is this? and i haven prepare for my final at all.. can anyone tell me wat's going on with me? i just have not enought time.. i wanna exercise as well.. but where is the time??? can i have 48 hours per day and do not feel tired at all? is impossible... no no no!!! I AM POSSIBLE~~~~  jiayou ida... u can do it.. just 3 weeks then everything will be alright.. and u can stay at home safe and sound... gambateh!!!! i can do it...

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omg!!! keep eating right now... not even a second tat im suffering from hunger.... how?? who can save me from the fullness?? im freaking stress right now... look like im wasting my effort that i have payoff last few weeks.... damn!!! i should exercise instead of eating... but i dun have the time, seriously... argh!!!!!!!!!

today saw one of my lecturer brought her daughter to school.. it reflects me with my dad at those days... omg... saw the girl was only able to hold her father's finger instead of whole hands... i miss the feeling so much... time passes so fast~~~ hope everything will be alright... all the best to u... u can make it de.... hwaiting...

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out of the sudden, i feel so insecure and lack of confident~~~ omg~~~ how am i going to undergo with this feeling, huh???

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Damn!!! All my hates and sadness are coming out!!! Just wanna to stop it.. I couldn't sleep at all... argh.... mad on myself who being so dumb.... Argh!!!

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every time i go back home, i'll notice that u r becoming more feeble~~ my heart automatically feel pain... im so afraid there will anything happen on u... wanted to hug u but the typical Chinese attitude is with me... feel shy to do so... wanted to talk with u but the ego is with me... omg... wanna treat u good but i know im using the wrong way... haizzz.... life is so complicated... when can we escape from all these huh??? seriously, no idea... this morning when u touched my face, i feel like the feeling is melting in my heart... love u~~~

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今天的我睡不了觉,不知明天的我是否能入眠呢??

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cried a lot... seriously, cried a lot... my eyes are like swollen already... this afternoon thought my dad was in the mortuary room... i was holding his hand... cold yet no respond... u will never know the feeling... have u ever thought of it??? i do not thinking of it for once until the incident happened.. and it was badly scary... how much i wish that was fake for sure... i have nowhere to go... i dun wan to stay here and i dun wan to go home... in fact, i dun know where to go... independence!!!! i have to become a STRONG WOMEN indeed... when?? when i can achieve it?? please PAPA, please GOD~~~ PLS bless for me... i dun wan to have this kind of life anymore... was aimless, and meaningless... jiayou!!!! u can do it wan.....

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I think this is the first time i cried in the dark room.. Was so helpless.. Was so aimless.. Was being an idiot.. This week really taught me something.. Was giving up myself so deeply.. Never be that at all in my university life.. Cried while i was eating. This make me recall that my dad told me 'dun cry like the world comes to the end Bcoz i am still alive'. I miss him so much.. His sound, his voice, his touch and his everything is still in my mind.. U will never know how much i wan him back to me.. argh... Pls god... I feel like leaving this environment.. I dun like it at all.. Wat do i really have?? In fact, I do not have anything... Argh.. Dun feel like saying anymore..

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i wan my dad come back to us so much.. after my dad has gone... there's always a person who accompany me from time to time... the person who really cares me... the person who advice me... the person has no hard feeling after i throw my temper on the person.. the person who support me all the times... the person talks to me when im lonely and depressed... the person who takes all the burden on her shoulder after my dad has gone... the person is my mum... omg... feeling so sad... wat happens to me??

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i have no idea wat happened with me recently? i do enjoyed all the days.. but why u ruined it again? i thought we were friend.. but y do u wan to exceed the friendship between both of us?  i have nothing to say but im so sorry if i have hurt u... i just dun know wat to do.. pls forgive me, pls dun treat me tat good.. im not the one who worth it for u... argh... im so helpless... today kinda free and easy... i should have doing my work but im still enjoying.. i should have exercising but im sitting in front of my lappy.. argh... it's life.. i dun wan to do something tat end up we lost something.. pls understand my feeling... thank you~~~

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damn damn damn damn damn!!! fucking hate it....... shit men.... hate to ask help from people.... mother fucker..............

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I think the way i treat ppl has some problem... but i couldn't determine the problem... argh.... is a bit down here... those moment keep repeating in my mind... am i too free or wat a??? i really miss him so much.... wish he'll come back to us so much... negative side is controlling my mind.... the memories tat he gave to us keep appearing... the feeling of sending him oversea for 3 months and sending him into the place where to incinerate is really different... cant compare at all... y like tat?? i thought i am tough enough actually... actually im not... im sorry... wats wrong with me?? seriously, i miss u very very much... aunty is taking care of me very well... she never fail to offer herself to help me, pa... im so glad.. and im so sad....

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hmm~~~ had a nice day with her!! already dun care how did i did for korean exam.... dun care... difficult and make me headache coz use too much of energy dy~~~ but i like the food so much and such a relaxing moment after those hard dayss.... thanks god... but still have 2 papers to go... im gonna insane... 2 papers only yet have to wait until 2 weeks more... small matter.. when i've already decided not to care so much on my result but need to maintain in certain cgpa but now a little bit good news on it.. omg.. wat to do.. just let go or work hard on it?? if work hard on it, i'll be crazily insane.... if dun care, i'll lose such a chances... hmmm... dilemma... just let it be, i think... sometimes if is urs then is urs... if not, no point to force to have it... i'm wondering many things... if  im having difficulties on walking, wat will i react? wats going in my next 10 years?? i wanna make some changes seriously... hopefully i can do it... nope, i can do it... jiayou~~~~

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hmmm... im so afraid right now... never thought tat we have built a bond between me and you.. dreamt tat u have hurt ur legs for few days and today i told my mum about this dream only she tells me tat... a dog has bitten u.... i was like pls god.... im so worry tat anything will happen on u.... dogs really drove me crazily.... i think my family owes dog in the past and we have to pay back during our present time.... omg.... pls god... amitabha... everything will be alright... jiayou....

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suppose is a happy outing... but end up, everything changed.. how much i wish i can talk to someone... i started to isolate myself dy... feel so much sad than before.... realize that i couldn't talk to them anymore.... is my problem, i think... no one fault... just feel that i shouldn't face that~~~ maybe is the way i treat ppl.... realize that i dun know how to communicate with anyone anymore.... what had happened to me??? i tell myself to keep quiet on it.... since, i had chosen the choice and i couldn't accept it... therefore, i have to do something not to make myself suffer... i have to protect myself... instead of allowing other ppl hurt me... the one who used to support and love me is no longer here dy~~~ i have to learn to be more stronger~~~ jiayou, ida~~~

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omg.... im so tired... tired dao dun feel like moving... seems like rushing this and tat over decade... and now finally can relax a bit... but still got one assignment need to be handed in... yet haven print it out yet... still got two tests haven do le... argh... but seems no one can save me... omg.... im kinda full right now... ate an apple and 7 pieces of biscuit... now, full dao... dun know how to sleep... but i haven shower yet le... plssssssssssssplsssssssssssssplsssssssssssssssssssss....... i need someone to back up me... im tired dy...

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原来一直以来面对的问题还没解决~~~还以为出去散散步可以放松自我，seems that the problem has came back to me again.... really suffer... the exactly problem, no one knows about it... but seriously, im really suffer in this condition... everyone thought tat im very happy enough... in fact, IM NOT... maybe i should just be more to myself... i've to care myself more but not other's eyesight... i cant fulfill everyone's need... i really cant make it... i couldn't do things properly... really disrupt me... always make mistake... im not the me anymore... well, who cares....

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hmmm... had a great sweet dream this morning... i woke up with a smiling face.... the scene was really real and beautiful... omg... i wish the dream will become real so so so much... i still remember my friend told me tat find a guy that willing to carry u although the guy couldn't make it.... and in my dream, walao eh... apa ini??? but i know is impossible.. the moment has already past and i couldn't ask for more dy... just put it deep into my heart.. *pls dun ask me who is tat, huh... thank you... i know ur feeling dy... and sorry make u feel tat last time... :D


hmmmm~~ just read someone's blog.... want to apologies tat actually i dun really understand until i read ur blog... the feeling tat u give ppl is always tough and strong... make ppl feel tat ' dun worry, im here'.. i just realize tat i din concern u much yet u r always the one who concern me.... thank you le, babi... u know im saying u... aiyoo... macam pai xie a bit dy... but seriously, u never let me know also... im glad to have u at my side... :P jiayou beh... everything will be alright... just do watever u wanna do and appreciate it~~~

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u have already gone, but u never lost in my mind and heart... just dun understand why~~ why ppl have to die? why the decease will not be able talk to their loved one before the second they have gone? im so freaking tired~~~ my feeling is like up and down... super suffer... seriously, i dun like this semester at all... keep blaming without any action.. can i have a peaceful yet interesting semester in my uni life?? pls~~~ i beg u~~~~ i appreciate those who likes or loves me but seriously we r just friend~~~ seriously, i dun like the sarcastic way tat u have been saying to my friend in front of me... oh men.... i wont freaking give a damn... ops... rude!!! but i really mean it.... thank you... i knew time wont rewind but i really hope it will... then i can make a decision without regret...

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when the moment i mentioned that im lost and u stand up to support me without saying anything. seriously, thank you so much. the way that u gave is very different. u do it silently without noticing anyone. i do really appreciate a lot. i'll try my best in my studies.. no worries.. thanks for supporting.. im not used to receive anything or compliment from u guys.. and because of my improvement, i manage to get something without demanding anything. i wish to improve to my general knowledge and my english speaking skill.. JIAYOU~~~~ talk to my brother just now. he asked me, what do u see urself in 10 years time. is must be SMART.. SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE, ATTAINABLE, RELIABLE, and TIME!!! i think is seriously true... im 22 years old... still remember one of my friend said OMG, u r in this age yet, u still dun know. i was like HUH.. oh yea... i really dun know.. feel damn embarrassing... but as least now, i know something about it... thanks for reminding me...

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feel like crying!! helpless!! cant do anything right now~~ wasting my time right now... tian a~~~~ help help me la~~ pls....

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missing those days so much~~~ just laugh, no worries~~~ found tat when we r getting older, things keep bothering us more than last time... i have the best but i didn't appreciate it... regrets but no point to do so... am i still the same me as last time?? or getting better or worst?? have no idea... argh~~ i need a vacation badly but i have no time to do so~~~ assignments, projects and more and more... non stop.... i just want to have my own time... is it possible to have it?? do something i really like it and enjoy much~~~ always wat u think, is not wat u will get...  omg~~~ wats wrong with me right now?? keep complaining my life... i just cant see my future... i cant find my happiness~~~ i was doing tat those days.. but now, looking at the pictures.. will just make me miss it~~ argh...


dream of my dad two days ago... and it was a sad ending again.... i'm seriously will mentally break down soon.. u might not be able to understand... but the strong feeling of mine is very hard to describe... seriously~~~ haizzz.... cried in the middle of the night and no ones ask for u is really cruel.... just forget about it...

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hmm.. maybe i should accept wat is changing around me right now... maybe is my problem... i couldnt communicate with u guys seriously... i have no idea... i just wan to be alone... u guys started to leave me behind... i dun know how to communicate with u guys la... feel that im freaking fake... damn!! actually wats going on right now?? im freaking out of idea... argh... seriously, i dun like this semester at all... feel like bad words flying out in my mind... and wat i realized recently, dun let other ppl know that u r weak... because they wont give a damn on it and u r just being pitied by urself... oh goshhh....

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im just like an useless person here.... a proper tutorial also couldn't do it by myself... argh... sad a...  dun wanna ask ppl but i dun know how to do... ask ppl shows tat im more useless than before... haizzz..... dun have much time here... im kinda stress right now... test keeps pop-ing up... yet, im not confident with even one paper... im gonna die soon....

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wat the!!!! freaking hot here.... really beh tahan a~~ damn.... argh.... hot plus sleepy plus constipation... really cant stand in this kind of weather.. torturing me during the day and night... lack of energy... this morning drank a bottle of brands just to make my mind clear and fresh... but now i've already used up all my strength.... how to recharge it ya?? so difficult la....

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oh goshh~~~ she's sad... her tear drops automatically... she feels tired... she feels helpless... she feels nothing... she's doing nothing.... she just wanted to escape from this little town... argh~~~

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wan to blog so much...but seriously dun know wat to write to express myself in this complicated world. wondering will i have tat kind of life again or not~~~ the moment i most enjoy... drinking alcohol and enjoying listen their sweet voice in a nice environment. argh~~~ wanna try to be drunk so much.. wanna escape myself from this town.. wanna walk alone in this complicated road.. wanna try everything in this interesting world. do u still remember wat had u said?? still wondering the words tat u have said at tat moment.. is really confusing.. can someone makes me drunk, pls???  i just dun wan my mind to be clear here.. argh~~ feel like going to swim... i can only be out of myself when i am swimming.. focusing on the steps by not thinking anything... really enjoy swimming.. seriously, many things to post... but not even one i can say it out... haizz... alcohol pls....

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omg.... i miss my dad so much... where have u been, pa?? do u know tat we really miss u?? i just cant imagine tat u r not here with us already... being feeling lonely... miss ur laugh so much... still hoping tat the truth is not true... hoping tat u will come back to us one day and stay with us forever, hang out with us and chase us as we did last time.... every times when talk about accident, i'll remember of u... the way u left us behind without a word.... can i rewind those moment?? im afraid tat i'll forget u, papa.... i scare i'll forget the voice tat u used to laugh... im afraid tat i'll forget ur everything... im kinda suffer right now, pa~~~ no one knows my feeling right now... many other factors tat bother me recently... wanna emo but seriously... i cant... everyone thought tat im fine with ur decease... but i never let it down... is still in my deepest bottom of my heart... still remember when u brought me back to pinang and have a trip here... i asked u: 'pa, y r u walking/moving so fast?' and u purposely slow down and walk like a tortoise and u asked me ' then can i walk like tat?' and now, u really 'walk' so fast and so soon.... i just dun wan to be emo.. but when the feeling comes and i couldn't control my feeling... im sorry...

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alcohol~~ alcohol pls~~~ seriously, feel like getting drunk... many negative aspects pop-ing up these few days... can i get drunk??? i never thought of tat idea before... this is my first time... hoping many negative things happen on me and cause me disappear forever... omg.... my mental is controlling me right now... i cant fight it back... im afraid tat my mind will win one day... nothing much happened actually, just tat my mind is playing me... torturing me hardly... hope everything will goes smooth soon, plsss~~~ i cant tahan one le... haizz... im not the one who is always me already....

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actually i have a lot of things to tell my dad... and i just realize that actually many things i also din let him know.. many things that i dun dare to tell him... now, when he's not here.... every silent moment, i'll think of him and wanna tell him everything.... but now, is too late.... never keep silent, u will find out tat somehow one day, u will regret!!! i miss my dad so much!!! still hope tat it's just a dream~~~

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i miss u so much, pa~~~ i wan u to come back to us... we really need u, do u know tat... argh~~ recently, many problems happened le... mum is very upsad... but i dun know wat to do... haizz... moody a, seriously... i really miss u a lot... where r u a?? i've been thinking of u for many days dy.... i dreamt of u 5 days ago... u know tat we miss u... but u never smile and let us understand or know tat u r fine in another world.... im really suffering... im totally exhausted, u know... and i still have another problem ... really bother me.. but actually is not a big deal... but once ' bother me, i'll feel annoying... i just dun like it.... can u save me, pls??? i miss the voice tat u call me 'girl'~~~ i wanna listen again le~~~ haizz... i love u, pa... take care ya... really miss u a lot... bb...

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argh!!! pek chek a~~~~~~~ dun know wat freaking life is this~~~ damn men!!!! hate this feeling freaking much!!!! pls dun make me remember of the past, pls~~ i dun wan... i just dun wan... not feeling well since this morning yet exam is coming soon... walao eh..... i wanna crazy dy..... amitabha amitabha amitabha.............